December Studio

Right now.

Right now I'm enjoying this season of life.  Not just the season of autumn, but this moment in my life where my children fill me with complete joy and my days are humming along in a sweet rhythm I can groove to.

We've carved out a good routine here lately that seems to work.  My husband works those long days and he has little time to be with us, so dinnertime is important.  My work schedule allows me to be able to have dinner ready earlier than usual so we can eat soon after he gets home, with some time to connect afterwards.  Then, I'm busy making lunches, finishing up my one-load-a-day of laundry, quick tidying and homeworking with the kids.

By the time my girl is asleep I am at a place where I can catch up on my bloglovin' blogs that I love, check instagram or read for about half an hour.  Then I try to plan/write a blog post, work on an art project, sketch or script some ideas out or free write ideas that buzz around my head all day.

Right now, I'm recovering (finally) from a gross head cold that plagued me all last week, so my laundry was about three loads high and sweeping up was more of a chore than usual, but oh-well.  Here I am writing a blog post that's been incubating in my head all weekend, so I think I'm winning:)!

And, here are some other things which are particularly awesome, challenging or otherwise noteable for us right now. 

Mother Nature is doing an amazing job of romancing my artist heart, and I'm so grateful for the awesome beauty outside right now!

I'm reading a book called Create On Purpose and it's rocking my world! Thanks to Deb for lending it to me. 

My boy is becoming a grown-up!  He's about to start a new and exciting job and he's envisioning a future for himself.  I am so in love with that kid, man I feel blessed to have been chosen by him to witness this life of his.

I'm dying to paint and create all day long and have trouble juggling a job, research business plans and create new work to sell.

I'm doing myself a lot of favours and remembering to breathe deep, stay centred, stay optimistic and stay up late to burn the idea of this new career into my brain.

Totally ok with stepping up my game to get things happening. Sleep? Well, I like sleep, but I like freedom more.

I've been stealing any five minutes I can find to practice hand lettering, scripting or doodling.  The photos above are of some random practice pages I painted in the early spring.  Looking at them tonight as I edited them in photoshop, I had to actually give myself credit.  I realized that I kinda like the messy, imperfect, practice stuff.  Usually I beat myself silly about my work and keep trying to go at it until I see no mistakes or sloppy strokes, but you know, it's all beautiful because each piece, each stroke, each moment is another step forward toward my dream.

I've been nurturing a (very EXCITING!) seed of an idea to build a project that centers around creative passions, self worth  and getting unstuck in life.  It's a vision I can see coming to fruition in the new year sometime, so I'm letting it be something that simmers on the back burner, but its also a vision that I have a lot of clarity around.  I will be asking a few people to collaborate with me and I'm so pumped!

Annnd tonight, while making lunches, another seed of an idea popped up: I want to talk to the local creative mompreneurs that are so inspiring to me!  I want to create a community of resources and inspiration here on the coast, where other people can go to be filled up with hope and inspiration around building their OWN creative lives/jobs/dreams.  Do you want to talk to me?  Cool!  I'm going to be working on drafting up some interview questions, so if you're in, I'm stoked!  Let's do this! Shoot me an email: [email protected] and we'll talk.

Right now, life is busy, full and awesome & I feel like Its all ok.

Connected.

Hello and good morning! 

I want to extend a really big thank you to everyone who read and commented on Monday's post. It means more to me than I could ever say to connect with people on a level of healing our souls, which I believe gratitude does for us.

At the beginning of 2013, I struggled with finding a voice for this blog. I began blogging in 2011 after I was taken off work by my doctor due to stress and anxiety. Back then, everything I wrote was straight out of my heart because I was in a place that needed healing in a big way. At the start of this year, however, I began to try and "be a blogger" which I realized quickly made no sense for me.

I'm a writer, it's true. Writing has always been natural and necessary for me. I write to understand how I feel. I also make art for the very same reason. These passions help me navigate my heart and mind and spirit. Recently I decided that my voice in this blog must be mine. I can't be coached or categorized or scheduled.  It can't be a "blogger" voice. It has to flow naturally from my own lived experience. It has to be me. 
It thrills me to know that what I have to say resonates with you, too. I believe part of my purpose on earth is to connect to spirit and to help others do the same.
So thank you for connecting with me here, for reading, commenting and being brave enough to tell me that this matters to you too.
It's a wonderful thing to be able to see the sacred reflected in each other.

 

Have a wonderful weekend, and if you are celebrating Thanksgiving, I wish you a beautiful time enjoying good food, friends, family and the moody, awesome weather of fall.

 

Five things.

 

I've decided to start the week and the day off on the right foot by declaring five things (in random succession) that I am grateful for right now.  

I hope to make this a regular feature here on my blog so that I can hold myself more accountable in those moments where I start to get pissed at everything.  You know those days right?  Like when there's no food for lunches, you've worked all day and come home to a messy kitchen, you haven't had exercise in three days, two people want your attention at once, no one is listening, everyone is grumpy...

YA.  

Those ones.

So, maybe if I spend five minutes on a Monday morning thinking and writing about what I am grateful for, then perhaps those days won't be as tough to navigate when they strike.  

Because, they will strike again.  Oh, yes. They will.

Ok, so for today's five things:

October

Earl Grey tea

My hardworking husband

Lavender essential oil

Yoga

1) I love October because it is a beautiful month in Canada, and here on the island. This weekend was a really warm and sunny one which is the best to see the changing colours in .  Also, I love October because my beautiful mama was born in this month, so I always get to celebrate her existence at such a lovely time of the year.

2) Earl Grey is my go-to tea for the fall season.  It's simple and comforting with a splash of almond milk.  Or, add a splash of vanilla and maybe a small touch of honey or stevia for an at-home london fog.

3) My husband just started a new job which has him out the door at three a.m. and not home again until five p.m. or later.  He usually has just two hours to relax before bed, which includes having to shower and eat dinner.  Sometimes he also spends time doing yard and household repairs or chores after work.  He is pretty much non-stop work during much of the year and he does it to provide a comfortable and fun life for all of us. He also ALWAYS makes time to spend with us as a family.  I admire his high energy levels, tenacious spirit and dedication to family, health and hardwork.  I am so grateful for the man he is.

4) I used to make natural skin care products using essential oils that I would blend into delicious scent combinations and mix into various carrier mediums.  Lavender oil is my absolute favourite and lately I've been carrying a bottle around with me to use in moments when I need to come back to center.  It's (for me) such a calming and soothing scent, it almost instantly makes me feel better to smell it.

5) I met a woman called Deb about two years ago through some of my husband's friends. She's taught yoga for many years.  Recently we ended up at a backyard get-together and really hit it off, talking about personal healing and health, anxiety and personal boundaries.  We decided to get together to talk more and she offered to show me a new program of yoga she's working on that focuses on chakra balancing.  Of course, I was game, so for the past two Thursday's she's invited me into her lovely home and we've spent time talking, bending, breathing and having a wonderful time.  Having this space and time to strengten myself, as well as getting to know Deb has been a wonderful source of joy for me lately. SO GRATEFUL.

Tell me, what are you grateful for on a Monday morning?

The road to here: Firewalking my way to LOVE.

 

 

 

I have a big love affair with words.  Or, rather, I lust after words.  Words are the easiest way I have to express myself.  But sometimes, I get carried away in the rapids of thought and word and I get too big for my own britches.

I've been trying to formulate a post which condenses and expounds the road to here.  The road of pain and hurt and the undoing I've been actively working on for the past two and a half years.  It's becoming somewhat of a novel in my head, and really, I'm ready to be done with it.  I'm ready to move on and open up into what's to come.

First though, I feel I must write something about my journey.  If only for posterity (my grandchildren might want to know about me one day).  

Actually, though?  It's healing to write out your journey.  

When you write, or talk, about what you've been through, you actually dizcover things--work stuff out--that you didn't realize was there all along.  When you keep your thoughts inside, you think you have it all figured out.  Then, when you allow them to come tumbling forward, you see, with your heart, that there was more inside of than you really knew.  

And then, you actually become the observer of your own mind, heart & soul.  This is powerful stuff, friends.

                                       :::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

So here it is.

Two and a half years ago, everything I thought I knew about myself came crashing down around me in a fiery mess of flames and destruction.

There.  

Really, that's it.

But, no, of course there's more.  

There's the depression which was so crushing I longed to run far, far away, to take the burden of who I was off my family. I was a failure--in my own mind.

There's the anxiety and resulting dizziness that was so intense I spent days feeling like the earth had become liquified and I was walking on waves everywhere I went.  I thought for sure, I was dying.

There was the pain so acute in my body that when I spent an hour in the most wonderfully zen Reiki room, I cried silent tears because I couldn't straighten out my neck enough to lay down in comfort.  My soul was burning up its pain and sending the message to my muscles, nerves, cells, every fibre of my being.

There was the fear that I was a complete hack and had nothing to offer this world.   I was not worthy.

Then there was the the time I spent walking through the flames of blind trust when an outsider tried to threaten my whole world.

And the time I had to sit and listen to a psychiatrist tell me that my child was severly depressed and anxious and many other heartwrenching things that go along with depression and anxiety.

This has been my road to here.

I've been firewalking.  Over searing coals, through walls of torching flames. Into pits of burning lava. Under skies of rumbling thunder and electrifying lightening.

Through these 2.5 years, I've had no choice but to let the fire consume me.  I've had no choice than to open up and allow the flames to lick away at the layers of wrong thinking and toxic belief.  I've had no choice than to become my true self. To shed the cloak of martyrdom and servitude and believe in my own desires and their merit in this world.

To believe in my merit in this world.

 And this firewalking journey is not over.  

I have days where I feel I'm seeing myself, truly, for the first time and it's such a wonderful sight.

And then there are the days where I doubt myself, my abilities, my worth.

But, the difference now is that I have cleansed away the toxic buildup of past conditioning with the fury of the flames, and I have a powerful source of love from which to draw strength: SELF LOVE.

Life keeps throwing up it's fireballs.  That's never going to change.  What's different for me now is that I believe in myself, my worth and my value.

I believe that what I want in life is important.  I am important, and I have a purpose in this world.  

So, when shame and doubt and fear and confusion and anger come at me, I know how to be gentle with myself, and I know how to walk through it welcome it all in.

I've learned that each of these feelings, these thoughts, these experiences are simply messengers sent to us for protection.  They are designed to help us to survive.  Problem is, we've become dangerously reliant on them, so much so, that we start to believe that their message is the onlly valid truth.

It isn't.  

Here's what I believe to be true:

We all come to Earth as souls living the human experience in a magnificent and harsh world.  In my cosmology, we revisit the earth over and over.  We have contracts with our souls to fulfill certain destinies.  We travel through our many lives with many of the people we are with right now. Over and over.  We come here fully formed in our Divinity, but because we are in human bodies, living a human life, we forget our Divinity.  Our work is to discover the glory that lives inside of us (our Divine Selves) and to manifest this beauty throughout our lives.

It's a hard task.  Harder for some, easier for others.  None of it matters, and all of it matters.  The number one thing to remember is that LOVE is the true and only reason for life and if we do not LOVE well, we do not honour our soul contracts.  If we do not honour our contracts, we must revisit our lessons until they become clear and learned and known.  

Right now, I've observed in my own life a few profound things:

- it's getting easier to work through the fear and shame and doubt and anger when they visit 

- I believe this is so because I have learned to LOVE myself fully and unconditionally

Plainly put: I am a wonderful human being who is imperfect, yet Divine.  I am capable of doing great things, and also of making big mistakes.  Neither one of those things define ME. Mistakes or accomplishments.  I am worthy no matter what.

When I look at life this way; when I love mySELF this way, I am more open to love the folly of those around me.  To remember they too are DIVINE and worthy of love based soley on the fact that they are alive.

Each of us has a light.  Some of us have done a really good job of hiding our light.  We have to burn through our protective layers of toxicity to find it.

It's there, waiting for us to feed the flame.

Today, I declare that I AM READY TO SHINE MY LIGHT.  I AM READY TO DO MY SOUL'S WORK AND TO SHARE ITS WISDOM.   I AM AN ARTIST, A CREATOR, A WRITER, A LEARNER AND A TEACHER. I MAKE, I FEEL, I LOVE, I HURT, AND I LEARN.  I AM READY TO SHED THE ASHES OF PAST HURTS AND PROPEL MYSELF INTO THE JOURNEY MY SOUL WAS MEANT TO TAKE.

Are you with me?

 

Here's to the MISFITS. LET LOVE BE YOUR GUIDE.

“Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”
-STEVE JOBS

 

When I look back on my life I see so many moments where I tried my best to follow the rules, to do what was asked of me and to fit in.

Problem is I don't.

I don't fit in, I rarely agree with the rules and I don't mind doing what is asked as long as it doesn't involve compromising what's true for me and what's best for the greater good.

Buuuuutttt. When I take a good look at myself over the years I see a girl who didn't know it was okay to follow the beat inside her own heart. I followed rules and did what was asked because, I thought, I would be likeable.
Loveable, even.
I believed I would be better accepted if I did what others expected me to do.
I tied my self worth up in doing things for others, and hoping they would like me for it.

This is the exact reason I ended up with intense anxiety and depression two-&-almost-a-half years ago. This is why I left my job for four months.

I don't fit into the status quo. I see things differently.  

Becoming an artist means not following the rules about what "real work" is. Following my own heart means loving myself and letting that love be my guide. Turns out, sometimes, people don't like that too much.

But I don't care about that anymore. If that makes me a troublemaker, so be it.

Trouble, I shall make. ;)

Lately

It's been a busy start to September.  I cannot believe it's past the midway mark already.  The night has fallen sooner than I had expected.

So far, things have been good.  Not without pains and lumps and bumps, but good nonetheless because I've learned to be a fighter for the light.  A light seeker I shall be. A light worker I shall become.

I've been on the go, and full tilt with DO! And it feels anxious and blessed all the same.

Phew.  (Do not know about the spelling there) I am full.  Of happy.

But also instrospective in the grandest way right now.  I have a WHOPPER of a blog post (or a series) about the past two years of my journey back to ART and LIFE.  It's a doozy and I want to write it, but its still forming in my heart right now.  It's gestating itself into a work of sacred profundity. Yep.

It's a biggie.  And so important.  And I can't wait to share my thoughts.  So much learning, growing, understanding.  I have settled into a good place of self acceptance and love and I WANT TO SHARE THE JOURNEY!

Alas, I am on a roll of GO and DO! Create, move, organize, plan, execute.  Gotta make it happen.

GOTTA.

Sweet.

Seek the light friends.  Stay true.

xO.

September

 

Oh, September.  Hello again friend. 

September has quickly become a favourite month for me.   It brings that feeling of newness and fresh starts, but more than that.  It's a gorgeous wind-down month where the sun still burns full-tilt all day, but has retreated ever so slightly away from our Northern Hemisphere.  Enough so that the mornings and evenings bring a coolness which implores us to slowly tuck-in to the warmth of our homes and cozy wares.

It used to be that September was sad for me.  Back to school.  End of summer.  Loss of freedom, and beginning of structure.  Bah.  My younger, less passion-driven self despised it.  As a child, September also meant the coming of the snow, and I'm a sun-lover.  I do best basking in warmth.

Now, as an adult (one who has seen many a September come and go), I welcome in the change it brings.  The routine and focus and renewed sense of passion.

This year, it seems, I am craving the Autumn.  I took a spontaneous break from painting over the summer weeks.  Not from creating--let's be clear.  I've been doodling, sketching, scripting, designing and photographing my moments this summer and it's been super fantastic!  I put down the brush in lieu of the pen and pencil. But, I'm ready to get messy with paint again like you would not believe!

I want to get into the studio and whip up a storm of creative fury.  I have plans.  Solid plans on where my painting, scripting, sketching and photography needs to go and I'm stoked.  I have a firm grip on my future career and a new-found tenacity to see it come to life.

This morning my son and I were bantering about life and work and he said to me "I believe in you. Soon you will be a successful artist and all the haters can keep on hating..." (or something to that effect).  The part I heard loud and clear was "I believe in you".

Yep.  I believe in me too.  And I believe in bravely moving in the direction of my dream.

Three cheers for September.  Bring on the structure, bring on the hard work.  Let's get messy.

Beaches.

During our recent island adventure camping trip, we travelled to three very unique areas with their own beautiful shorelines. Each were serene, peaceful, beautiful and inspiring in their own way.  The coastline of Vancouver Island has got to be some of the most beautiful, diverse and breathtaking in the whole world. Of course this is my biased and uninformed opinion, but I am almost sure it's the truth.

For me, there is nothing more grounding and inspiring than being immersed in coastal beauty. I love nature. I love forests and I LOVE the ocean.  I feel very blessed to call Vancouver Island my home. And I feel doubly blessed to have the chance to explore this place with my little family who keep it real and make the adventure full and rich.

These photos are from Port Renfrew, Long beach near Tofino, and Tribune Bay and the Whaling Beach on Hornby Island.  Port Renfrew and Tofino were both moody and grey and a wee bit wet, but nonetheless gorgeous.  Hornby Island was simply amazing, as the sun came to greet us the afternoon we arrived, and stayed until we sadly departed two days later.  I had the BEST time on this trip with my husband (my love of TEN years) and our girl.  The teenage boy stayed home, but we missed him badly and to my surprise, he missed us too.  Its true what they say. Absense makes the heart grow fonder...and, seventeen is the magic age when teens start to come home again.  Anyway, that's another blog post for another day.

For today, here are some beach pics. :)

We're home.

 

Phew! We returned last Tuesday evening from an eight day whirlwind excursion up and down and around this gorgeous island we are so blessed to call home.

It went by too fast, and along with it, August seemed to disappear into thin air, but we had a wonderful time and really enjoyed all the places we stopped to explore.

I have lots of photos to share (as you can imagine) as well as some video footage (I decided to try my hand at video and got a neat app to edit together our trip in video and stills). But, since I had to hop right back into work after we got home I'm still trying to process and piece everything together before I post them for you.  The photo above is an iPhone shot that I snapped while we were on Hornby island, which by the way YOU MUST GO VISIT! It's amazing! 

This week we're on a mission to get back into a routine and get ready for the fall. School! Yikes. How does summer manage to speed by so incredibly fast? I guess we're too busy having fun to notice :).

That's pretty awesome in my books.

The past few days have seen the weather cool right down and threaten us with rain (which we desperately need but haven't seen too much of yet...it's ok, we get our fair share through fall and winter!). This kind of quick switch always gets me juiced for fall, though, and the routine, cozy sweaters, pots of homemade soup and warm fires to heat our home. All the things I love about the cooler temp seasons.

This summer was so busy for us. We played ALOT! It's been wonderful. However, my artwork has taken a small slide off the map. I've still been drawing everyday in my many, many different sketch books, and I've been having fun using different apps to design cool motifs, but mostly I've focused on photography these past eight weeks and its been nice to get back behind the lens.

I have some big ideas brewing for the direction things will be taking creatively for me over the remaining months of this year. First stop is a deep clean of my crazy messy studio and to finish some commission pieces. Next is to put to paper some solid plans for project ideas I have. Then to get messy with paint, pen and photoshop:).

I CAN'T WAIT!

For now, I'm just going to get ready for September, and enjoy the last few days of summer break.
Thanks for stopping in to take a gander! Tell me, what are your big plans for fall?

Have a wonderful day!

Love affair

I am in love with Instagram. I publish many more artistic and life photos here than any other social media platform. I am part of a sweet community of my choosing from around the world. Of course, most of the people I follow are photographers designers or artists which feeds my soul full. I love being there.
If you're on Instagram, come check me out if you like! @decemberstudio

Scroll down for a peek at some of my IG photos.

Have an awesome day, you lovely souls.