The road to here: Firewalking my way to LOVE.

 

 

 

I have a big love affair with words.  Or, rather, I lust after words.  Words are the easiest way I have to express myself.  But sometimes, I get carried away in the rapids of thought and word and I get too big for my own britches.

I've been trying to formulate a post which condenses and expounds the road to here.  The road of pain and hurt and the undoing I've been actively working on for the past two and a half years.  It's becoming somewhat of a novel in my head, and really, I'm ready to be done with it.  I'm ready to move on and open up into what's to come.

First though, I feel I must write something about my journey.  If only for posterity (my grandchildren might want to know about me one day).  

Actually, though?  It's healing to write out your journey.  

When you write, or talk, about what you've been through, you actually dizcover things--work stuff out--that you didn't realize was there all along.  When you keep your thoughts inside, you think you have it all figured out.  Then, when you allow them to come tumbling forward, you see, with your heart, that there was more inside of than you really knew.  

And then, you actually become the observer of your own mind, heart & soul.  This is powerful stuff, friends.

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So here it is.

Two and a half years ago, everything I thought I knew about myself came crashing down around me in a fiery mess of flames and destruction.

There.  

Really, that's it.

But, no, of course there's more.  

There's the depression which was so crushing I longed to run far, far away, to take the burden of who I was off my family. I was a failure--in my own mind.

There's the anxiety and resulting dizziness that was so intense I spent days feeling like the earth had become liquified and I was walking on waves everywhere I went.  I thought for sure, I was dying.

There was the pain so acute in my body that when I spent an hour in the most wonderfully zen Reiki room, I cried silent tears because I couldn't straighten out my neck enough to lay down in comfort.  My soul was burning up its pain and sending the message to my muscles, nerves, cells, every fibre of my being.

There was the fear that I was a complete hack and had nothing to offer this world.   I was not worthy.

Then there was the the time I spent walking through the flames of blind trust when an outsider tried to threaten my whole world.

And the time I had to sit and listen to a psychiatrist tell me that my child was severly depressed and anxious and many other heartwrenching things that go along with depression and anxiety.

This has been my road to here.

I've been firewalking.  Over searing coals, through walls of torching flames. Into pits of burning lava. Under skies of rumbling thunder and electrifying lightening.

Through these 2.5 years, I've had no choice but to let the fire consume me.  I've had no choice than to open up and allow the flames to lick away at the layers of wrong thinking and toxic belief.  I've had no choice than to become my true self. To shed the cloak of martyrdom and servitude and believe in my own desires and their merit in this world.

To believe in my merit in this world.

 And this firewalking journey is not over.  

I have days where I feel I'm seeing myself, truly, for the first time and it's such a wonderful sight.

And then there are the days where I doubt myself, my abilities, my worth.

But, the difference now is that I have cleansed away the toxic buildup of past conditioning with the fury of the flames, and I have a powerful source of love from which to draw strength: SELF LOVE.

Life keeps throwing up it's fireballs.  That's never going to change.  What's different for me now is that I believe in myself, my worth and my value.

I believe that what I want in life is important.  I am important, and I have a purpose in this world.  

So, when shame and doubt and fear and confusion and anger come at me, I know how to be gentle with myself, and I know how to walk through it welcome it all in.

I've learned that each of these feelings, these thoughts, these experiences are simply messengers sent to us for protection.  They are designed to help us to survive.  Problem is, we've become dangerously reliant on them, so much so, that we start to believe that their message is the onlly valid truth.

It isn't.  

Here's what I believe to be true:

We all come to Earth as souls living the human experience in a magnificent and harsh world.  In my cosmology, we revisit the earth over and over.  We have contracts with our souls to fulfill certain destinies.  We travel through our many lives with many of the people we are with right now. Over and over.  We come here fully formed in our Divinity, but because we are in human bodies, living a human life, we forget our Divinity.  Our work is to discover the glory that lives inside of us (our Divine Selves) and to manifest this beauty throughout our lives.

It's a hard task.  Harder for some, easier for others.  None of it matters, and all of it matters.  The number one thing to remember is that LOVE is the true and only reason for life and if we do not LOVE well, we do not honour our soul contracts.  If we do not honour our contracts, we must revisit our lessons until they become clear and learned and known.  

Right now, I've observed in my own life a few profound things:

- it's getting easier to work through the fear and shame and doubt and anger when they visit 

- I believe this is so because I have learned to LOVE myself fully and unconditionally

Plainly put: I am a wonderful human being who is imperfect, yet Divine.  I am capable of doing great things, and also of making big mistakes.  Neither one of those things define ME. Mistakes or accomplishments.  I am worthy no matter what.

When I look at life this way; when I love mySELF this way, I am more open to love the folly of those around me.  To remember they too are DIVINE and worthy of love based soley on the fact that they are alive.

Each of us has a light.  Some of us have done a really good job of hiding our light.  We have to burn through our protective layers of toxicity to find it.

It's there, waiting for us to feed the flame.

Today, I declare that I AM READY TO SHINE MY LIGHT.  I AM READY TO DO MY SOUL'S WORK AND TO SHARE ITS WISDOM.   I AM AN ARTIST, A CREATOR, A WRITER, A LEARNER AND A TEACHER. I MAKE, I FEEL, I LOVE, I HURT, AND I LEARN.  I AM READY TO SHED THE ASHES OF PAST HURTS AND PROPEL MYSELF INTO THE JOURNEY MY SOUL WAS MEANT TO TAKE.

Are you with me?

 

Comments

[Brandy Gamble]

your such an inspiration, love ya

[DALYCE]

Thank you, G-ma!! I am so thrilled that you are able to share in my journey although we are so far apart. The depression is behind me and thankfully I only hit that wall after I left work temporarily in 2011. But the thoughts of fear and shame and doubt haunt me frequently and I have learned that getting to know them for what they are helps me to not fall into a dark pit of depression.
Love you too!

[Sheets2@live.ca]

I am with you!! Your worth is huge. That depression sneaks up behind you and covers your head with a dark bag quickly. Glad you can work through this. The journey ahead should be easier. I love you tremendously.